This week I attended a conference of intellectual property law scholars. I presented my current paper on peer-to-peer file sharing litigation, and heard presentations of many other interesting papers (see my SSRN page if you’re curious about my paper). It was the sort of thing I enjoy about academia. Yet, I was vaguely disturbed during the entire conference, until I had a conversation that brought my discomfort to a boil.
The problem is that my full-time academic appointment is in an undergraduate institution. Teaching law to undregraduates is seen in legal academia as sort of like being a gym teacher. The real scholars teach at law schools. When you mention to colleagues that you teach at an undergraduate institution, you get a sort of “Oh, isn’t that nice” response.
This shouldn’t bother me. I was offered a very good faculty appointment at a decent law school last year, but chose to say where I am, so that we could remain close to family and not move to a city we thought would be difficult for our children. It was a “bad career move,” one which I second-guess constantly, but which I believe was best for my wife and three young kids. And I enjoy my job; actually it’s a great job, with good colleagues, diverse and interesting students, and a flexible schedule.
But still, the real action, in terms of intellectual life in the law, is at the law schools. Yet, even the one chance for a law school appointment that I turned down was extraordinary. The market for law faculty jobs is merciless. And this leads to the conversation at the conference that threw me down the dark paths.
I had intereviewed at several other law schools last year, including one that seemed like a good fit. Everything about my interviews and presentation there went very well, but at the last minute I didn’t get the job. They told me there were some internal political issues about the curriculum, and that as a result they had decided not to hire someone in my field. At the conference last week, however, I ran into one of the people who intereviewed me at this particular school. He told me he liked my scholarship and had supported my candidacy, but others on the faculty were reluctant to hire me because I lack the typical paper credentials. As he put it, “some guy on the faculty says, ‘I went to Harvard Law School; we should be able to find a patent law professor who also went to Harvard Law School.'” And that’s that.
Most law faculty got their J.D.’s at elite law schools, and many also went to elite colleges. I didn’t. I was a decent student in high school and college, but not exceptional, and I did reasonably well, but again not exceptional, on the various standardized entrance exams. So, rather than Princeton and Harvard, my c.v. mentions Gordon and Seton Hall. Not names that trigger thoughts of scholarly brilliance. Yet, my c.v. does show significant, continuous growth — I graduated 22nd out of 255 students in my law school class; obtained a second law degree (called a “Master of Laws”) from NYU Law School, which is now ranked number 5 in the nation, with high grades; made Partner at a major law firm; and wrote scholarly articles that have been published in journals from schools like Harvard and Vanderbilt. But many folks in the legal academy don’t seem to have any concept of how intellectual maturity often develops over time. They’re mostly concerned about what diplomas you earned fifteen or twenty years ago.
None of this surprises me. I’ve known it since I left practice for my first temporary teaching job. But still, it’s painful and disconcerting to hear about how it is actually affecting me.
And all of this, I guess, brings to a point I wanted to make about circumstances. I’m not sure why God has placed me in these circumstances. He’s given me this burning desire to expand and use my intellect, he’s blessed me with some wonderful opportunities (including my current college teaching job), and yet I’m not quite good enough to really make a difference. I can see clearly what I want to achieve, the kind of teacher, mentor and scholar I want to be, and I know I’m capable of doing it, yet my background makes it difficult for me to get the best opportunities to do so. Am I, like Moses, chosen for a task for which I’m not fully capable in myself, in order to demonstrate God’s grace and power as He accomplishes it through me? Or am I just deceiving myself, chasing after something that’s beyond me, like a career minor league ballplayer who should know he’ll never make the majors? I don’t see any answers to these questions, which have dogged me for so long.
I know that, regardless of the answers, I want to be “content in any and every situation,” and to trust that “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Phil. 4:10-13. We often overlook (I hadn’t noticed it until just now) how Paul ties the famous “I can do everything through him who gives me strength” statement to the idea of contentment in his circumstances. God gives us the grace to do what needs to be done in the circumstances we inhabit. Because of that grace, we can be content — glad for positive circumstances when they come, but not obsessing over the desire for circumstantial change when they don’t. Still — if only, if only, if only…….
God give me the grace to be content and serve humbly and effectively now and wherever He may call me.
7 replies on “My Weakness, My Circumstances, My Questions, and Contentment”
Life is a constant struggle. It’s bad enough to have to make hard decisions – it’s worse when you are second-guessing yourself (something I do quite often and have become, to my dismay, quite good at). While there is no cookie cutter answer, these are some things I have learned:
1.) A “bad career move” may be just that, but God created us to be so much more than our careers. When our lives are over, God isn’t going to want to know what was done with our careers – He’s going to want to know what we have done with the talents He’s given us. That is so much more than a career alone. From what you have stated, you took more than just yourself into account when you made that decision and you are to be commended for that. I can’t possibly imagine that God would approve of you making a “good career move” while leaving your family in the dust, so to speak.
2.) “I’m not quite good enough”. Oh boy! One of Satan’s favorite mind games. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt — several times. But it begs the question, “good enough for what?”
I understand the struggle when there is so much more that we would like to accomplish and can’t seem to get ourselves into the “right” position to be able to do it. We, as humans, see everything through a very limited lens because of our finite natures. Never underestimate what God can do with you, even in your present situation.
You mentioned the possibilities of either (a) you can’t but God can or (b) you can’t and it’s not in God’s will. I am proposing two more possibilities : (c) God is using your current situation to hone your skills and talents for an even larger purpose than you have imagined or (d) perhaps God put you where you are so that you can influence and/or assist someone who may need what you, by God’s grace, are able to give. It could be anyone – student, faculty or staff member. You may never find out who that person is – at least, not this side of heaven. Ultimately, you may be very capable of accomplishing your goal of expanding and using your intellect in academia, but God is saying, “Not yet – I’ve got something else I need you to do first”.
If you bloom where God has planted you, you are good enough for the task He has set before you.
3.) “…for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day.” 2 Tim. 1:12
This verse takes “I can do all things …” one step further. Ravi Zacharias once gave an illustration for this verse that really sunk into my mind:
Imagine you reach your destination and are at baggage claim in the airport. You walk over to the folks in charge of the baggage to register a complaint. “Sir, my bag is missing”. They ask “Well, where did you check it in?” You reply, “I didn’t – it was a carry-on and I left it right over there on the floor for a second. When I returned, it was gone”.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that airline personnel are not responsible for things you left unattended in the baggage claim area. If, however, you responded by saying that you had checked it in prior to the flight, then the story is significantly different. The airline is very much responsible for that which you left in their hands.
So it is with God. We often find ourselves frustrated with our circumstances, but we never really let them go and give them to God. And yet we keep badgering God – “Why aren’t you giving me peace in this situation? Why can’t I find contentment?” As Ravi points out, God will keep that which I have committed to Him – but I have to be sure that I truly have committed it to God.
I don’t claim to have the answers. These are just some of the things that I’ve discovered in my travels with God. The road is very bumpy …
Well, Prof, as a fellow SHU Law Alum who has turned to you (and will turn to you) time and again for advice and insight, I can say your perseverance – and Christian witness – has been an encouragement to me.
Like you I have “matured intellectually over time.” As far as satisfaction with your “station” in the academic world, I think it depends on how you approach teaching. If it is a career, then the feeling of being a “minor leager” could torment you permanently. If it is more of a calling, then you may actaully find MORE satisfaction in serving as “the good professor” in a humble setting.
Do you consider yourself a successful person? Do you think God thinks you are a successful person? What does success even mean in God’s economy? Does teaching gym class constitute a failure?
Perhaps the answers to these questions will help.
I don’t say this to offend but Sonya, that baggage story seems like one more of the vast armoury of Job’s Comforter answers that the church is so quick to give.
Its quite clever actually, if things go well then its God, if they go badly then its your fault.
I don’t believe those stories anymore.
Thanks, everyone, for all the comments.
Andrew — I don’t think Sonia was suggesting exactly what you’re taking her to mean — actually, Sonia’s comments (and Nader’s — thanks buddy!) brought a tear to my eye, and I appreciate them greatly.
Jeff — thanks for stopping by! My honest answer is that I do not consider myself a successful person. Much of the time I think I’m an abject failure. But here I think something Sonia said is right — focusing on what I believe to be my own failings is one of the enemy’s Big Lies. In fact, the things I count as “big failures” probably don’t matter at all in God’s economy, and there probably are other things I consider “small” failures that matter more. Did I love my wife today the way Christ loves the church? Did I love my children and not discourage them? Did I love my neighbor as myself, and did I love God with all my heart, mind, soul and strength? Those are the “big” things. Yes, I know this, and one of my personal battles is to own this rather than just knowing it. Maybe some of the things I perceive as humiliating God intends as humbling, in a way that draws me closer to His “big” purposes.
Dave — thanks for understanding that I was not pulling a “Job’s friend” stunt. Sometimes, my thoughts are obscured by my inconcise manner of writing. I wasn’t looking to address the causality of your situation.
My thought was to comment that God has promised to carry our burdens for us (not the same thing as making them go away) if we but let Him do so. There have been times that I have insisted on carrying some of the burden (if not all of it) and, in doing so, have overlooked the blessing that He was offering in return – “my yoke is easy and my burden is light”.
Just a gentle reminder that, in our humanity, it’s all too easy to overlook a gift from God because we’re focused intently at what’s already in our hands …
I have a friend (a pastor) who likes to say “life is hard when you are focused on yourself”. It sounds like such a mean thing to say! If you knew him, you would realize he is not a bully or mean-spirited at all. His little phrase is not a put down for pity parties — it is actually a true statement. He shares it in the same spirit he shares his other favorite phrase … “cheer up, you are worse than you think, but God’s grace is greater than you can imagine.”
Life is indeed hard when you are fixated on yourself, your unmet desires, your perceived failures, your sin, your struggles and so forth.
A successful life is one well lived — well lived in the sense of walking with God, having a faithful heart, and having integrity. You are a success, my friend.
Focus on allowing God to use you where you are to affect those in your sphere of influence. Be faithful in the little things. And by all means, don’t buy into the lies from the pit of hell about you being a failure.
The correct image is the one captured in Zeph 3:17
The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.
God delights in you. He sings about you. He exults in you. Because of all your worldly successes? No, of course not. But because of Christ’s work in your life.
Fix your mind on that.
Have a blessed day, friend.