Last week I picked up a copy of The Journals of Father Alexander Schmemann. There is something beautiful about reading a thoughtful and spiritual person’s journals. In Schmemann — in his formal theology of worship and liturgy and in his personal journals — I feel that I’m finding a kindred spirit. Here is a person of great learning and insight, a theologian and pastor, who struggled with the daily grind of life and the difficulties of dealing with people in the Church, who often becomes quite discouraged, but who always returns to the practices that proclaim light and resurrection.
Perhaps it’s particularly helpful that his ecclesiastical context — Eastern Orthodoxy in the 1970’s and 80’s — is so far removed from mine. The joys and the problems are the same. No one is immune — but also no one is alone. Here, for example, is part of his entry for March 26, 1973:
Today, I thought about it all: about the low level of church life, about fanaticism, lack of tolerance, the enslavement of so many people. A ‘New Middle Ages’ is engulfing us in the sense of a new barbarian era. Many churchmen are choosing and, what is worse, love Ferapont [a Dostoevsky character who is illiterate and rigid]. Especially ‘clear’ is the fact that all that is higher, more complex, more difficult to comprehend — all this is a temptation and has to be destroyed…. If one remains in the system, one accepts it, albeit unwillingly, along with its methods. If one leaves — in the role of a prophet or an accuser — one slides into arrogance and pride. I feel constantly tortured and torn.
Or this on March 30, 1973:
Only when we write it down do we understand how much of our time is spent empty, how much fuss there is, not worthy of our attention, unimportant yet devouring our hearts. All these days, in a state of total exhaustion as well as revulsion at the duties I need to be performing. I find myself passively watching television. But at the same time, when lecturing in the morning, I feel inspired again and again.
Or this, on October 22, 1974:
Yesterday we had a faculty meeting at our house. Rather peaceful, but, Lord, how difficult it is for people not only to agree with each other, but simply to hear the other. If it is the case with a small group of people who are essentially of one mind, what about the world at large? Division and alienation are the essence of the original sin. Unity can be restored only ‘in Christ.’
Yes Father Schmemann — we need to hear this today again.