The Bibliographic Society (B.S.) announced today the discovery of a previously unknown manuscript dating to the first century C.E. This spectacular find, hidden under a bushel in the Qumran caves, appears to be a record of an interview between a local journalist named Simon Bar Khoba and a person identified tantalizingly only as “the Nazarene.” I’m reproducing a portion here that has already been deciphered and translated:
SBK: It’s said that you refuse to sign the Jerusalem Declaration. My readers would like to know why.
TN: My kingdom is not of this world. If My kingdom were of this world, then My servants would be fighting the authorities for me; but as it is, My kingdom is not of this realm.
SBK: But surely you agree that the Roman law is inconsistent with God’s law! Isn’t it our duty as God’s people to change this?
TN: Put your sword back in its place. All who draw the sword will die by the sword.
SBK: Who said anything about a sword? I’m talking politics! We need to take back our nation!
TN: Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels?
SBK: Um… I guess. So go ahead, call out the angels and let’s transform this culture!
TN: You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.
SBK: That hardly seems practical or fair. Our culture is in the grip of great darkness. It’s our responsibility to confront the darkness and show our leaders their errors. If we rebel against the government, it is an act of love, not retribution.
TN: You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.
SBK: So we’re supposed to tolerate the scorn of these reprobates who over-tax us, over-spend on social programs, and all the while indulge in every kind of debauchery? Personally, I’m putting them on notice: I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore. Are you with us or against us?
TN: Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
SBK: This is astonishing, if I may say so. We need to show these people we mean business, that we’re organized and unified. The Jerusalem Declaration lays out our core principles, a plan by which we can begin rightly ordering this society. What do you offer instead?
TN: Destroy this temple, and I will raise it again in three days
SBK: No, no and a thousand times, no! The Temple can’t be destroyed, it’s the key to our restoration!
TN: Behold, I am making all things new!
SBK: You can’t be serious.
At this point, the manuscript becomes illegible. Hopefully, the BS will be able to decipher more of it soon!
3 replies on “The Lost Interview of Jesus?”
Friends don’t let friends blog when they’re really worked up about a recent happening. This is especially the case if that friend has convinced himself of a particularly threatening and conspiratorial interpretation of such happening. If you don’t intervene it might be too late to save your friend from twisting proof-texting and caricature together into one blog post. Employment of creativity and humor, however, indicate that there might still be hope for your friend, and that he can yet be reasoned with. If your friend is a lawyer, we deny all of the above. If he’s a law professor, we deny our own existence.
This has been a public service announcement.
Ah yes … but it can be uncomfortable if you’re inclined towards the religious right to have to read the words of Jesus, no? 🙂
And … I wonder if the same applies to releasing “Declarations” to the National Press Club when you’re all worked up about something… 😉